This is a new line of jokes, right?

No matter how many times I have tried to unsubscribe to The Daily Beast (a liberal online “news” outlet) I still find their emails in my inbox. The smart thing would be to delete them without reading them, but, then, what’s the fun in that? These stories are my new guilty little pleasure. They’re right up there with the occasional trashy novel that I will swear to everyone I have never read.

This morning I open up the Daily Beast email to see their article on Chris Rock’s Oscar monologue from last night only to see it dubbed OscarSoWhite. I have to know. Is this a real thing? Because the first thing that pops into my (slightly deranged) head are those stupid jokes from when I was about ten. You know the ones: “Yo mama so fat… I took a picture of her last Christmas and it’s still printing.”

“The Oscars so white…the two whole people who watched it were granted special privileges.” The rest of us were subjected to micro aggressions by angry hash-tags (those number sign things are pointy).

The Oscars owe me a micro apology

Use Sick Leave. Because Zombies.

So, my friend from work is home sick today, which sucks because that means I have to go hunt down lunch by myself. Usually I can convince her to go restaurant hopping with me to find something more interesting than what we brought from home, but today she’s not here. That leaves me to fend for myself.

And why is she home? Because people here refuse to use their sick leave. Why? Because they’re dedicated employees. Hello? We’re government workers. Nobody believes that. Her coworkers actually said those words “dedicated employee” when it was suggested that maybe, just maybe, they go home before they spread whatever germ-infested black death they were carrying to work.

Now, I understand that people want to show that they are dedicated to their job. And I can understand that taking time off for ever sneeze and sniffle may label you a hypochondriac. But if you come to work looking like death warmed over, PLEASE do everyone a favor and keep that shit to yourself. Stay home. Some of us really do not want that crap shared with us and our families. Coming to work with God-knows-what germ ridden disease isn’t dedication, it’s rude and selfish.

And I’m pretty sure that’s how the zombie apocalypse is going to start. Someone is going to show up to work under the guise of being a dedicated employee when they actually have some zombie plague. Next thing you know, the entire building is full of brain-eating zombies. They go home to their families, spread it to loved ones who go to their workplace because, you know, dedicated employees and all…. One thing leads to another and BAM! Zombie infestation. It could totally go down like that.
So people, if you are sick, PLEASE stay home. Only you can prevent zombie apocalypses.